Truly Useless And Unwanted Magical Items

This started out as something silly to do after fight practice when we were getting munchies at Mighty Taco. It sort-of blossomed from there.

• The Acme Acne Medication of Increased Libido
• The Anal Suppository of Animal Friendship
• The Anvil of Featherfalling
• The Aphrodisiac of Impotence
• The Armor of Fear (No One is Brave Enough to Put the Stuff On)
• The Automated Porcelain Idol
• The Axe of Alliteration
• The Bag of How Did That Get In There?
• The Bandanna of Ever-Presesnt Perspiration
• The Banana Peel of Foot Slip
• The Beanie Propeller of Flight
• The Big White Phone of Ralph
• The Black Shoe Polish of Armor Preservation
• The Blind Dating of Carbon 14
• The Blindfold of Invisibility
• The Brassiere of Gender Transmutation
• The Broken Bauble of Babbling
• The Broom of Dance Partner
• The Bungee Cord of Levitation
• The Carmina Burpana (Contains pieces like: Fortune plango Vulgeria; Veni, Veni, Venereal; many others)
• The Cement Boots of the Elven Mafia (The Tuatha de Cosa Nostra)
• The Cement Seven League Boots
• The Chainmail Gauntlet of Masturbation
• The Chainsaw of Bluntness
• The Cheerful Nine Inch Nails Album ("Sunshine and Handcuffs")
• The Chicken Hand grenade (Bite the Head Off, and Throw...)
• The Chiming Armor
• The Cloak and Boots of Elvis-Kind
• The Codex of Useless Information
• The Combat Boots of Jesus (Can Walk Only on Water, But Turns it into Everclear)
• The Condom of Procreation
• The Contact Lenses of Extreme X-Ray Vision
• The Continual Light of Colorblindness (B&W)
• The Country Music of Nausea
• The Crib Sheet of Wrong Answers
• The Cran of Berry
• The Crown of Truth
• The Crystal Ball of Broken Vertical Hold
• The Crystal Ball of Misaligned Horizontal Hold
• The Cruel Shoes
• The Cursed Body Pierceings of Defense (They multiply)
• The Cursed Cock Ring of Enlarging
• The Doc Martin Wagon
• The Duct Tape of Hair-Bane
• The Earring of Loud Language Comprehension
• The Elven Cloak of Invisibility and Faerie Fire
• The Elephant Gun of Barney Slaying
• The Ever-Full Leaky Canteen of Everclear
• The Extra Sticky WD40
• The Eye of Newt (replaces right eyes for those who've lost them)
• The Fifty Pound Shield plus 5
• The Funky Hat of Gender Disphoria
• The Fuzzy Fruitbat of Ultimate Evil
• The Gauntlets of Palm-Hair growth
• The Generic Medium Sized Vampiric Elbow Fish
• The Great Book of Gummi
• The Guacamole of Invisibility
• The Guitar of Tone Deafness
• The Halberd of Rabbit Slaying
• The Handcuffs of Free Motion
• The Handkerchief of Snot
• The Helm of Denting (And Concussions)
• The Helmet of Hair Growth
• The Horn of Nature Calling
• The Hot Sauce of Flaming
• The Jester's Hat of Seriousness
• The Kangaroo of Holding
• The Left Nut of Wally (when placed in a nut dish, all the others disappear, leaving only this one)
• The Lifetime Membership in the Interested Deity of the Month Club
• The LSD Acid Tab of Astral Projection
• The Magic Bait of Whale Catching
• The Magic... Cards
• The Magic Mirror That Only Gets Fishing Shows, Susan Powter, and The Happy Trees
• The Magical Bong Water of Bob Marley
• The Manual of Combat Paper Folding
• The Marijuana of Depression
• The Matches of Dampness
• The Matzoh Ball of Maliciousness
• The Middle Finger Ring of Charming
• The Migrating Beauty Mark
• The Natural Potion of Flying (The Potion of Headrush)
• The Nerd Glasses of Superior Intelligence
• The Net of Dolphin Catching (Only Catches Brian Cox)
• The Paunch of Shatner
• The Pillow of Crushing
• The Pocket Bureaucrat (A Rules Lawyer--Can Quote Any Appropriate Page of the Rule Book)
• The Pocket Protector of Holding (only holds writing utensils and measuring devices)
• The Pocket Sir Origami (Ever ready to either hit you over the head, or fold some paper in combat)
• The Pop Rocks and Pepsi of Exploding
• The Puppy of Following
• The Ring of Gaseous Form
• The Ring of Holding
• The Ring of Teleportation
• The Rossian Paintbrush of Happy Little Trees
• The Scroll of Misspelled Magical Formulae
• The Sea Sickness Pills of Cecil the Sea Serpent
• The Shrubbery (ominous music here)
• The Sideburns of Elfis
• The Small Furry Animal of Vampire Slaying
• The Strongbox of Opening
• The Sword of Disco Dancing
• The Sword of Reverse Damage
• The Tampon of Giant Strength
• The Teenage Mutant Ninja Girdle for the Overweight Martial Artist
• The Tone Deaf Singing Sword
• The Toothbrush of Garlic Breath
• The Tongue Piercing of Persuasion
• The Trent Reznor/Barney Duet album
• The Trifocals of Urza
• The Two Handed Sword of Throwing (Always Returns Point First)
• The Underwear of Dancing (a la Risky Business)
• The Unstable Yogurt Mutation
• The Useless Swiss Army Knife (Dulled Blade, and Just Not The Tool That I Wanted..)
• The Vorpal Bunny Slippers
• The Wand of Useless Magical Effects
• The Yalmuka of Yiddish

Contributors:
Bill Brox, John Cook, George Eisenhardt, Kathy Lahn, Steve Mammoser, Ted Manch, Scott Morgan, Ken Mondschien, Dave Nezlek, Erik Noble, Ben Pierce, Jeni Pleskow, Jen Sieden, Che Villar, and Julie Ortalano