05.31.00, take 2

The conductor on the train keeps looking at me, as if I haven't paid my fare. It's not the hair. She's done this to me before. She doesn't appear to do it to other people. It's very annoying.

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05.31.00

I'm in a funny mood this morning. I *finally* got past that damn plateu.. I've lost all of 9 (Yes, nine. I've had to struggle and be miserable for nine fucking pounds. What a ripoff.) pounds so far, and I'm pleased because the scale isn't stuck anymore.

But.. there are other things going wrong. I feel as if I'm being tolerated again. Not appreciated, not even particularly liked. Just a burden, a piece of semi-sentient furniture dragged around the country and nothing but a responsibility. I'm "cuddly," I'm "warm." Dammit, I don't want to be a teddy bear. I want to be EVERYTHING. I want to be IMPORTANT. I want to be INTERESTING. I want to be something other than "oh yeah, her."

And telling me *three* times that your friends all find me unattractive gives me the message that you, too, think I'm an utter dog. I have to admit it, some of my friends think you're nasty looking, too. I don't go repeating it, though. Their opinions don't matter in that arena. Besides, I don't want to hurt your feelings. And you'd never speak to them again (ok, fine.. you don't speak to them anyhow). Oh, yeah.. I want to go out with you and your buddies now.. even if they *do* pick a movie time that isn't too late for me.

Me? Angry? Not at all. This isn't anger. This is sheer frustration. I've had it. If I thought it would get my point across, I'd do something dreadful to myself.

I want to be someone else for a while, deal with her problems, and maybe get some insight into my own. I wish there was a way. (Of course, I also wish there was a way for me to wake up one morning, weigh all of 150 pounds, have good hair, good skin, no stretch marks, a fiance who doesn't make me feel worthless (not purposely, but it happens), and a job I can't wait to go into. It ain't gonna happen. Why can't I just accept the world as it stands and move on?)

This isn't about you-know-who. This is about the way I feel. But she isn't helping the equasion. I know you just want to be friends with her, and you believe she feels the same. I am convinced that she wants more than that, and while I trust YOU, I trust her about as far as I can throw a grand piano. If it was completely innocent, and all she wanted from you was your friendship, she wouldn't hang up when I answer the phone. She wouldn't be scared of me, because she wouldn't have any reason to be.

I wonder if there isn't something really wrong with me. I've got way too much anger. Too much frustration. Part of it is new-city stress, only-one-friend stress, weird-stage-of-relationship stress, but even so..