06.04.00, part 2.

There is so much unsaid inside me. And so much I will never say. I begin to wonder if I have some sort of problem.

Things (we're onto my current scratching post again.. yes, my relationship) weren't like this in Virginia. Yeah, we were only there for 6 months and all, but we had a smaller apartment, less space. He wasn't as reactionary about neatness. I mean, if it got really bad, he'd complain, and I'd do my best to clean up after myself, but a laptop charging on the couch, and my bag (that I carry daily and don't see any justification for putting away on those grounds) do NOT constitute a messy room.

On that paranoid level, I'm wondering if he isn't trying to drive me away so he can go back to Her. She wasn't a physical presence in Va. Actually, he had no intention of even telling her we were in the area before we moved. I don't know when that changed.

On a more sane level, I chalk it all up to job stress, which he didn't have as much of in Va. (The paranoid bit just piped up, "but he had a job with waaay stricter deadlines and faster turnaround times there. Why should technical writing & the crap he's doing for Marketing be any more stressful?") And to spending the past nine months living with me, which is enough to drive most people insane, I gather.

I'm not the neatest of people. He knew this coming into the relationship, 4 years ago. I've tried, for his sake, to be neater, but it doesn't really work. I try to keep the clutter in the living room at least localized to two areas, which is better than I used to do when I lived with Mom.. I took over the entire living room for months on end. It was pretty bad.

If I split, just took off, left him for someone else, scampered back to Buffalo, died, dissapeared, whatever, I bet she'd be back in his life in no time, flat. Maybe, if I died, he'd wait a while before letting Her move in. (That was the paranoid bit again. If you hadn't guessed..)

If I hadn't put so much into this relationship, I'd drop him. But I want it to work. I Right before we left Va. (two nights before, in fact), he told me that he didn't want to get married, but that he still kinda wanted me around. That he still loved me. Etc. He wanted me, he just didn't want to marry me. Ok. Right now, even if he wanted to, I don't think I would marry him. I don't ever want to leave him, but dammit, I'm STILL pissed about that. It's not that I want to be married so incredibly badly, that's not it, but that, with Her piled on top, and the fact that other than terse commands "Make a shopping list." "Pick up the living room.", we never talk anymore. There's all sorts of things going on in his life, that he just never mentions. Yes, I yammer on about stuff, but at least I tell him the essentials of what's going on.

There are times (4:08, as I'm writing this) when, if I could afford to, I'd go. Just get my own place, and see if that fixes some of the problems. Maybe once I'm on my own, I'd see that I could cut my losses, and get on with my life.

I have no doubt that if I could afford to move out (the rents around here are INSANE), he'd encourage me to do so.

So I'm with him, at the moment, for three main reasons, other than the one reason that should be all-important.. that I want to be with him. (That's the first of the three, BTW). The second, that I can't afford to live anywhere else, and the third, that I want to see if I can salvage these four years I've spent with him, and make them mean something other than "I screwed up, learned my lesson."

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06.04.00

I never considered myself a jealous person, but I'm beginning to learn that I am very jealous, and very bitter. I don't like this.

I hate hearing about other people's sex lives. I haven't got much of one, and when I'm miserable, I want everyone else to be miserable along with me. Other people getting what I'm not annoys me. I know it happens, and I can usually ignore the fact, unless I'm confronted by it.

Other people getting new toys, good results from something I can't seem to make work, having more energy than I ever will.. these things all make me jealous and bitter. It really sucks.

At least I'm over the "everybody has friends but me" thing. I even have a few friends, though only one of them lives anywhere near me.

Bleh. I'm going to go mope and be in a foul mood now.