06.18.00

Do all people feel as fucked up as I do? I'm in one of those self-destruct modes right now. I want to do something to hurt myself, to distract from the rest of the pain I'm feeling. Sort of like stubbing your toe when you have a headache or something. Picking scabs.

The urge to be wanted has got to be some human thing. I don't exactly feel wanted at the moment. I am tolerated, sorta. I am a nuisance.

I swear, these are the times that try men's souls, and women's resolves not to kill themselves. No, I'd never be that stupid. But it sounds really tempting to me, right now.

So, rather than that, I've got to do something painful. I don't know what it is yet. Maybe I'll pierce some bit that sane people just don't pierce. Probably not. I don't like physical pain, I don't really go for pirecing anyhow, and I'm not about to pay someone hard-earned cash to poke things though my skin.

I'll think of something. Maybe I'll cut my hair off, or tightlace for a day, or maybe I'll just dwell on my fucking misery -- that's more painful to me than anything I could do to my body. (Ok, standing hip deep in lava and boiling oil might be a bit more ouchy, but you know what I mean.)

It would be nice to make it through an entire week without something happening to screw me up again.

I need something to distract me from myself. And I can't think of anything that will. I've got the worst aspects of narcissism and apathy working against me here. I can't stop thinking about myself, and I don't care enough about anything else to do anything about it. I have always felt that those "let go and let god" people were stupid, and I still think so. I just wish I could let myself be dumb like that, suspend my disbelief, all of that. But I know better. I won't knowingly turn myself into a sheep.

In high school, one of the girls in my class, smart as hell, beautiful, very outspoken, was of the opinion that smart people are unhappy because they're too smart. It is only stupid people who can be happy, then. This, if nothing else, is a reason for drugs. They make you dumb. Dumb means happy. Of course, dumb people can be unhappy, too, but they've got a better chance at happiness than other folks.

Do you think I can sue Disney for teaching me to expect happy endings?