08.08.00

An open letter to someone who doesn't know this exists:

(Which is all to the good, mind you. My feelings will change, and I'll have to take all of this back. But right now, at 6:04am, on Tuesday, August 8th, 2000, *this* is how I feel.)

You say she wants to meet with her sister in tow, as we're doing the Icon thing. I'd rather not. I don't want the few people I consider friends in this area (and a few from far away) to see me spaz out, and be totally uncomfortable around her. I also don't want them to meet her and ask themselves "Why is he with Jeni, if he's got this other girl?"

Yes, I've slagged this girl from one coast to another, and if I wind up liking her, I'll feel a little bad, but not much. I've suffered too much from her hand, though indirectly.

I managed to survive a few years of "I won't trust you with this, because She left," or "You're just going to leave me, because She did." I guess I finally convinced you that I wasn't going to leave you, that I am trustworthy. But the scars are there, and they hurt.

If I've got to meet her, I either want to meet her with nobody but me and her. Or maybe you, so we can get bitchy and do Solomonic solutions on you, like some oversized chew toy. But no sister. No friends. I don't WANT her to have backup, because I won't feel as if I have any.

Yeah, I'm blowing this all out of proportion. Deal. This is how I am. I still don't know what possessed you to seek her out, as you weren't planning on letting her know we were even in California. Yes, I'm glad you have a friend. I'm happy that you're happy. But did it have to be HER?!?!

I doubt that I'd have had this reaction if it had been someone you'd just met, but dammit, you guys have history. And a longer one than you and I do. Wonder why I feel insecure?

Yes, I believe you when you tell me that you two have talked, and agree that you're just friends. But the fact that it had to be discussed at all bothers me. And it could be my doing that it needed to be discussed, but I still feel that my paranoia was justified.

The Poet says that it's a Virgo thing, that you can't make absolute statements because of your nature, your "I can't promise that I won't fall in love with her ten years down the road." LIE TO ME. I do NOT want to hear that. In ten years, when you do fall in love with her, what'll happen to me? That's what it makes me think. That's just a girl thing, though. Not a Gemini thing.

One of these days, you are going to discover this part of my page, and learn waaaaay too much about me. Somehow, that makes me squirmy inside; I want you to understand me, but I really hate stripping away all of the layers that hide me, and would rather be misunderstood than stand naked and be vuenerable.

If we do meet next weekend, I'll be polite, distant, insanely uncomfortable, and utterly false. I'll smile, joke, treat her the way I treat everyone, but I can't promise that I'll be thinking the same sort of things I think about everyone else.

I love you, and probably always will.. but hey, what's to keep me from falling in Love with George ten years from now? Oh yeah, the fact that I broke up with him for a reason. Which was that I'm more in love with you than I ever could be with anyone else.