12.05.00

Things have been going too well, I guess.

I've been too secure, and suddenly, It's time to freak out again.

He's been writing poetry (it's on his site), and while it's not as good as it could be (in my opinion), I'm more disturbed by the little twitter of jealousy it inspires. First, he doesn't tell me that he's writing poetry again (I don't need to know ALL the details of his life, but seeing as he wants to write, a "gee, honey.. c'mere and read this poem/story/novel I just wrote" would be nice, perhaps?), and the subjects of said poetry may well be utter fiction, but it doesn't shake that little doubt in the back of my mind that I may be more easily replaceable than I thought.

I certainly don't want to be his every thought, but you'd never know we were together unless I said something, I think. There is a difference between not being all sappy and silly in public and acting like rational adults, but there are times when it feels like total disinterest.

Yeah, this is probably hormonal. But as I've said before, that doesn't make much difference. I still feel it. This isn't really pain (yet), but more of a tender spot that feels like it might bruise. Just feels funny, and you want to keep poking it to see what happens.

The more suspicious of you may wonder if this is all some sort of cynical plot to create drama on my part. There are times when I wonder myself.

I suppose I just want what I see everyone around me having: a boyfriend who acknowleges the existance of my friends, someone willing to occasionally come out to clubs with me, someone who -- while not necessarily as gung-ho into them as I am -- appreciates my hobbies as more than something to keep me busy and shut me up, a little (ok, a lot) more physical affection, and COMMUNICATION. Geez. It's like pulling teeth trying to talk to him sometimes. I hardly think that my two or three 'pop-into-the-room-so-I-can-kiss-him-or-get-a-hug-or-somethings' daily are *that* much of an imposition.

I'm still not sure if I'm even a fiancee anymore, or if I've been demoted to 'girlfriend.' (And people wonder why I feel insecure?)

One of the most important people in my life (though I sure haven't seen much of her in recent months..) tells me that I should just tell him that I'm Poly, and go find other people to roll around with. The catch is, I don't WANT other people. I want him. (And if I have other people, I can't have him anyhow.)

And while I have a long tradition of asking for the impossible (ever see me when I'm shopping for a specific item? It's almost become a running joke between me and the universe. I want what I want, and nothing less will do. I can't find it. I settle for something else. The next month, the *precise* item I was looking for is everywhere), I don't see why a slightly more normal relationship should be on my list of impossible things.